Hey everyone. Not sure I actually have many friends left on here, if any, but should someone be looking for me, I've moved journals. You can find me at nf793
I have a lot of reasons for moving. This journal is old. I'm not who I was when I used it most. But the biggest is that it is filled with an infinite number of things and people best left dead and buried. Right now, I need to talk, and I need somewhere safe to do it. So those are a few reasons why I moved journals.
To my old friends, I hope you all are well, and if you'd like, I would love to see you at my new LJ home :)
I didn't disappear, I just... haven't wanted to talk in a while.
I mean, I do want to talk, and I have wanted to, but... Idk, LJ didn't seem like the right place. But maybe it was really the perfect place.
I know I'm talking nonsense. It's 5am and I have a lot of thoughts going through my head, not to mention the memories.
Been up way too long.
I got scared again. This time it was mortality. I don't know what happened, but I thought I was going to die. I still wory I might at any moment, but at least the immediate feeling is gone. I don't like when this happens. I don't like worrying. I don't want to be forgotten.
That's my only real fear about dying.
At least LJ won't forget me... until they delete my account. Unti lthat day, I will be here.
But that's not why I came here tonight.
I don't have the time to get into everything, so I will give a brief update on what's happened since last march, and a little bit of why I'm here. Maybe I will come back to get the rest of it out. I hope I do. I really need to.
I did go to see that A7X/Breaking Benjamin concert over the summer. We took a train trip. I got to visit daesung_fanatic and meet some cool friends of relatives. I got to travel by train, which I really enjoy.
We moved. We desperately needed to. The whole Family moved into a much bigger house. We are no longer on top of each other. I got an entire section of the upstairs to myself: 2 rooms connected by a bathroom in the middle. It's all mine. Too bad I don't get to enjoy it. Because...
I got accepted into a college. I finally sort of almost made an escape from Them. Unfortunately, the people I am surrounded by make me want to come back to Them. At least I can fight back and deal with Their shit, but the new people... I just have to make it to summer 2017. At least Mother wants me to get an apartment near campus. Not only would it be cheaper, but I could get away from the obnoxious people there.
That's probably the mot important stuff. And all of that happened in less than a month, from listing the house for sale, to a week long train trip, to moving houses, and less than a week later moving 4 hours to school.
I'm so tired of school. But that is a post for another time.
As for him... The resentment started dying down over summer. He was there when my world was breaking own, during the moving fiasco and getting set up at school. He's been there every day, listening to me bitch and whine and inaudibly cry about all of the bullshit that's been going on. Through everything, he has been there, in my pocket, just a sent message away. He listens, cheers me up, and cheers me on. But I'm broken and I ruin everything. I don't know how he puts up with me. I wouldn't blame him if he just stopped responding, if he got tired of my complaining and my rambling. I fully expect to one day not get a response... ever. I wouldn't blame him They all leave, even the "best friends" or the "significant others", they all up and leave because I piss them off and they get tired of me. It's just a waiting game.
Anyway, I should wrap this up and try again to sleep. It's now 5:17am. Been up way too long.
On top of it all, F found a reminder of the butterfly...
- Stage: melancholy
- Tempo:my tower fan
I mean, I've been doing really well. This past weekend was probably the most positive I've been in a very long time. We had some friends come over (a lady, her fiance, and her two kids from her previous marriage, ages 6 and 4). We had a great Saturday night catching up, and on Sunday we went to the aquqarium with them. That was a lot of fun. Even picked up some brine shrimp (sea monkies) for firefly, so now she has her very own pets.
But something changed on Monday. I don't know what, I can't quite place my finger on it. Something was different, maybe someone. Maybe I'd just forgotten I had them for a little while and someone was unhappy about being ignored. I have no idea, and maybe I'll never find out.
My memory disappeared again.
I guess I should explain. I don't think I've posted about it before.
Growing up, I always had trouble remembering things. I have always been rather intelligent and have always done really well in school. Outside of it, however, my memory is horrible. It takes talking to someone every day for a month before I'll remember their name. I lose track of everything. I never remember important appointments. If I go to the store for one thing, I'll forget what that was by the time I park in the lot.
So I used to write everything down. My family referred to me as "The Sticky Note Bandit" because I would leave them everywhere to remember things. When I got a cell phone I put everything into the calendar, even the little things like walking the dog after school or taking out the trash on Sunday. I have three white boards in my room. One is a homework calendar, one is a calendar for everything else, and the other is for remembering important things. I refer to them practically hourly.
I started getting better once I graduated high school. I worked incredibly hard to get better, and there was significant progress. But the last couple of days have been nothing but one giant lapse. I've been losing everything. I lost a headset for my computer, my earbuds that never leave my backpack, my phone (I've started leaving the ringer all the way up just in case, even though I hate doing that), my keys, my spare key, my PS4 controller, a shirt for some reason... The list continues. All of that within three days. Thankfully, I've found the important things since then. I tore my room apart and cleaned it four times and still can't find some of the things. I haven't lost any time, so I know it wasn't any of the others, it's just that I can't remember what I did with them or where I set them down.
It's beyond frustrating. I'm hoping it's just temporary due to stress or something.
I was doing so much better...
Not to mention the memories...
I said your name out loud for the first time yesterday since last fall. It hurt. Almost led to an anxiety attack, to be honest. Every day I fear running into you. I hope you've made it out of this town so I never accidentally cross paths with you. I have no doubts that if I ran into you it would mean the death of all of us. Maybe I should have named you something else instead...
Her courage, strength, and heart beyond.
I wish she'd stay mine,
But her place is in some other time.
Goodbye forever, my darling, whether
I was everything you thought I'd be, or not...
Anyway, it's just been realy strange. I was actually happy for a couple of days, but I don't know what happened. I'm not unhappy, exactly, I just... feel off. Forgetful, frustrated, strange. Least a huge programming project got pushed back a week so I have more time for a huge writing project for another class. Gotta be glad for the little things. Oh, and I may be going to Wisconsin for a concert over the summer. Actually, we'd most likely end up going to two. The plus side of having a fangirl for a mother. She'd be going for A7X and I'd be going for Breaking Benjamin. I've wanted to see them for a decade now! I mean, A7X is cool and all, but I've seen them twice, and my like of them was crushed when Mother started obsessing over them (mid-life crisis. Please don't ask). But I'm pretty stoked that I might get to see BB. They're right up there with Coheed&Cambria on my "these bands all tie for my favorite" list. I will hate being stuck with Mother the whole time, but I'll get to travel and I'll get to see BB.
(My tags for this journal are freaking ridiculous. I should sort through them some time... Oh high school me, wtf were you on?)
- Tempo:"Key Entity Extraction I: Domino the Destitute" - C&C
It's kind of funny having him back like this, and me being different. It's intriguing to see him with a more educated perspective. I finally understand why he exists the way he does, and why he showed up like that. Which will help immensely in fixing him up.
I like having him this way. Not the druggie thing, but the rest of him. He sings to me, we dance, we spar, we Hunt, he draws more, he laughs... It's amazing. Just last fall he was on the verge of self-implosion, and now he's bright and exciting again. I won't let him break this time. I won't let the past happen again. I'll keep him safe this time. It's the least I can do, since his demise was because of what he did for me. He saved me from a broken fate, took it upon himself, and lost his soul. Now it's my turn to save him and get him back.
Anyway, I just thought I would give an update on what's been going on at the Complex (I had to rename it). There have been a lot of changes, and I'm pretty optimistic overall. We're getting better, slowly but surely! We only have each other, so we can only go so fast, but I have to say we're doing really well for our situation. I'm kind of proud of us.
- Planet:Canteen Cafe
- Stage: chipper
- Tempo:"She's A Lady" - Forever The Sickest Kids
Speaking of my observations, an event occurred earlier today that I feel is worth noting. It involves how the structure inside seems to be shifting. Only now, instead of being uprooted, it seems to be reverting backwards.
Nephere had had enough of Annie. She had started a revolution. The revolution had gotten off to a highly inspired and active start, only to be entirely forgotten about by everyone except her inside of a week. Over the following couple of weeks, she had spent a lot of time thinking about the status of things around the Complex and otherwise. She had finally reached a solution.
Currently, she found herself on a mission. She was searching for her old friend. It didn't take long to succeed in her mission, as she found him in his old favorite thinking spot under the window in the Lounge Room.
She stood on the doorway. "Hey you. Fry."
The young man looked up. "What do you want?"
"Been a while since I've seen you there."
"If you're here to ramble, I don't want to hear it."
"Rude, much?" She sighed and walked over to crouch in front of her friend. "I've been thinking a lot lately."
"I never would have noticed, what with you training my brother like a pet monkey lately," he grumbled, staring at the floor.
"What, you jealous?" She laughed. "Anyways, I was thinking that I know why everything has been so off lately."
"Oh?" He looked at her and raised an eyebrow. "Do tell."
"It's becuase of you!" When he stared at her in disbelief, she laughed aagain. "And me. I mean us. It's becuase we're not us anymore. We're a Neph and a Fry, not an army leader and her Admiral. Hell, this place isn't even an army anymore. But back when we did have an army here, and the two of us ran it, everything was a lot better. So I was thinking that we should go back to that. Train up the troops, take over the town again, go back to hunting down Antis, and all with us at the head. What do you think?"
"I think you're insane."
"I know that, but what do you think about my idea?"
"I think it's insane, as well."
She shook her head, stood, and offered him her hand. "Come with me."
He stared at her, his expression blank. "Why?"
"Don't ask questions, just come on!"
She groaned overdramatically. "What did I say about questions?" She grabbed his hand and pulled him to his feet. "Dance with me."
Fry raised an eyebrow. "Now that's a throwback. But I still don't want to." He went to sit back down, when Neph yanked on his hand, forcing him to stand.
"I said let's dance, grease boy," Neph told him with a chuckle. She began pulling him by the hand toward the door, and made it all the way on to the lawn of the Complex before Fry dug in his heels and she could pull him no further. He yanked his hand free from her grip, and when she turned around to look at him, he took off past her, sprinting in the direction of the hunting grounds. She smirked and chased after him. The hunt was on.
They haven't been on a Hunt together in at least a year. Nor has he sat under that window in about as long.
Times really are changing. Hopefully some balance will finally be restored soon.
I had more to add, but unfortunately I haven't the time right now.
- Stage: calm
Fry rounded the corner and entered the Lounge to find, for the first time in several months, that Nephere was not there. Her eldest sister TD and her other half Annie, however, were.
"Hey," he spoke from the doorway, "have either of you seen Neph?"
"Not recently, but she's probably still moping in the basement as per her usual," TD informed him. "If you see her, tell her I have some notes for her."
"Sure," he replied before turning and heading down the hall. Within minutes he was otside of the door to her room in the basement. He took a deep breath before knocking.
"No one's home," was the muffled reply through the door.
Fry pushed it open anyway. "If no one were home, then no one would have answered."
The girl sat along the far wall, looking much the worse for wear. Nearly every inch of her explosed skin was sliced or burned, and he imagined that what he couldn't see was probably worse.
He walked up and crouched before her. "Been at it again, huh?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," she replied, knowing full well exactly what he meant. "I've just been sitting here."
"Sitting here destroying yourself, you mean. You know this will never work. Look at how many times you've tried over the years. You can't disappear." The young man sighed and shook his head. "Why do you even want to?"
"You know exactly why. I've lost everything that made me who I was. I lost my personality, my closest friend, my strength, my everything. Now I'm just a wimpy little pushover of a nobody who has no friends out there."
"If the issues are out there, then why not just stay in here and stay who you are? It'd be nice actually having our leader here more than just every once in a while."
"I can't stay in here. I'd go insane... Not that it's much better staying out there anymore."
"Why do you think you're not you? Just because you lose someone doesn't mean you've lost who you are. It means that you've lost them. You're still you."
"It's not exactly that I lost someone, it's that I became her. Annie. I get why she exists, and I feel bad for not noticing her before, but she is not me. In any way. She's girly and friendly and sociable and all things girlish. I'm not. I'm pretty much aggression and she is optimism. Those were not designed to get along." She thought to herself for a moment. "I get what hapened, though. I lost one butterfly and gained a replacement to fill that void. Only, this one I can't get rid of. Ever. She is the embodiement of what I had to leave behind, and as a result will no doubt hold me back."
"Not if you stay in here."
"She's still here, though. If she were gone, everything would be back to normal. But she's not. And as long as she is out there destroying everything that made me who I am, I don't want to exist."
"Think about it. If you're in here, and she and your sister are out there, then you can be you while she moves the outside forward. She can handle it, because she is desgined to. All of the stress lately with the supervisor at work, the family drama, and the health concerns she can deal with. She's strong, caring, and level-headed, and she thinks positively. You've done nothing for the past couple of weeks except panic over absolutely everything because it's all been things that you can't control and that scares you. That doesn't scare her at all. That's what we, as a group, need to keep the outside moving. Things have been falling apart in here without you. We need you in here to be a strong, confident leader, to help set everything back the way it should be. So let her handle that world. You need to handle this one." The young man stood and ran a hand through his hair. "Not to mention, I've really missed having you around. But not you like this. This isn't you. You never believed in giving up, even if you had to die fighting. Hopefully one day you'll get back to being yourself."
Without another word, Fry turned and walked out, slamming the door behind him.
Maybe I was too hard on her. She needs to see reason, though. She just doesn't understand yet, and as long as she's in there she never will. But what if I end up making her want to come out even less?
As he reached the stairs back to the main floor, a voice called from down the hall behind him. "As long as I don't have to see her. Ever."
Fry smiled to himself. "We'll figure out a schedule for her." That's more like my girl.
From what I understand, it has been decided that Nephere will not be out here very much anymore, at least for a while. Taking over will be a couple of the others, as well as a lot of supervision from Fry for the first few months. Many of the others in the Complex are wary of what might happen, and a select few are doing everything that they can to keep this from being that case, as they do not feel comfortable with someone else "leading" the outside life. In short, things are on the verge of chaos, but getting better one person by one person with each passing day. It helps a great deal that Fry has very much come into his own, both at the Complex and Outside. He makes a great leader now that he is growing out of his Soldier habits, but even he will never amount to what Nephere was in her golden age.
- Stage: indifferent
So I had a rather interesting and amusing drive back from work tonight. Two things happened.
1. I officially decided that KONGOS is the band for The Beasts (a set of my characters). Their muic is just too perfect. Also, when their song "I'm Only Joking" came on, 5 of the 6 brothers (Light is far more civilized than his animalistic siblings) all popped up out of nowhere and said that they loved it. So they kind of decided for/with me.
2. 4 of the brothers wandered off almost immediately once they saw that the world was moving, but we weren't (we were driving, after all). Joker, however, stayed. He was so incredibly fascinated by it. For the life of him he couldn't figure out how everything but us seemed to be moving. And when we would go around turns he would tilt his head XD It was rather entertaining.
Anyways, I just figured I'd share my amusing experience. It gave me a good chuckle. There's a good reason why they never leave the Complex. They don't understand how any of this world works XD
- Planet:Somewhere in space
- Stage: chipper
- Tempo:"I'm Only Joking" - KONGOS
The young woman sat on her front porch swing, lost in a book as a light breeze moved a section of her hair out of place. She moved to tuck it back behind her ear, when the sound of footsteps pulled her out of her book. Looking up, her expression lit up.
Without a word, the girl shot up, dropped her book on the swing, and took off to hug the young man in an army uniform standing in her front walk.
They held their embrace for several seconds before pulling back just enough for a deep, passionate kiss.
"Benjamin?" A woman stood in the doorway of the house, her mouth agape. "Is it really you?"
The young man smiled in response and nodded once.
"Fredrick, come quick!" the woman called into the house before rushing out to join the pair in the front walk. A moment later, a man, the woman's husband, appeared on the porch.
"My word, what is this..." His voice was barely a whisper.
"He's back, Frederick," the woman stated, tears in her eyes.
"I can see that." The man hesitated another moment before stepping forward. As he approached the young man, the two women stepped back a bit. The man held out his hand. "It's great to have you home..." As the young man took the hand offere, the older man pulled him in for a tight hug. "Son."
When they stepped back, the older woman hugged the young man once again. "When we got the telegram, we thought... Well, let's just chalk this one up to a miracle. We have you home again, Benjamin. Catherine never lost hope for even a moment. She wouldn't let us cancel any of the wedding plans..."
"I'm so excited! I've always wanted to go to one of these old-fashioned balls. They always looked like so much fun," the blonde-haired girl told her friend. "And I'm surprised your beau agreed to come with us."
"He's not the most outgoing guy, on his own. All it takes is a little push, though, and he'll try pretty much anything once," the brown-haired girl replied, checking how her dress looked in the mirror. "So why didn't your boy come with us, too?"
"As if he would do something like this. You know how he is. He's 'too cool' for fancy events or really anything that requires him to clean up a bit and leave his room." She sighed. "Anyways, he wouldn't be any fun to have here. He'd just complain the whole time."
The brown-haired girl grinned at the thought. "Well, it should be just about time to head into the ballroom. Are you ready?"
A knock at the door caught both of them off-guard. The blonde-haired girl half-skipped to answer it, and squealed with delight when she saw who was waiting. "You look so handsome!"
A young man dressed in a proper Victorian formal attire entered the room and, ignoring the squealing girl, approached the brown-haired girl. "You look... nice."
The girl laughed. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing," the boy replied with a shake of his head and an embarassed laugh.
"Look at you, mister. You're wearing a proper tailcoat. I bet this is the fanciest you've ever been."
"How ever did you guess?"
The girl chuckled as she straighetend up the young man's tie. "Lucky guess. So are we all ready to go?"
The blonde-haired girl nodded and practically darted out of the door, overly excited to get to the party. The yong man offered his arm to the girl. "Shall we?"
With a sweet smile, the girl wove her arm through his and the pair was on their way.
Nothing fancy or elaborate or long. But they're the first bit of inspiration I've had in a while. Not counting the other night. I was all gung-ho to write, but my dickhead coworker/former-friend completely obliterated the feeling before I could write a word. But that is a story for another day. Anyways, I should be getting back to my economics homework.
- Tempo:The A Team - Ed Sheeran
There are many origin stories for her, but this is the important step for now.
Lately, she's been different. Since the epiphany she's... changed.
I guess I should explain a bit more.
She was an angel hidden behind an animal, who fell in love with someone who never knew. She couldn't tell this person, but didn't want to lose them, so in order to keep this person around she split into three. The three had always existed, but she got rid of the emotions she couldn't handle and gave them to those who could. One of those happened to be me.
"I've parted three ways for you, the Newo that I loved."
When she split the emotions, she forgot that they were once hers. She buried the remnants as far inside as she possibly could, and eventually threw them in The Basement when "deep inside" wasn't deep enough. She managed to live in denial for a few years, and while it wasn't great she still managed to carry on. Unfortunately, that person said something rather... distressing to her. The result was that she went to The Basement, hoping to work out some issues, and ended up finding the remnants. She figured out that the emotions of us other two were her own feelings. It nearly killed her...
After a lot of thought, and a lot of talking with some of us others, she decided that she couldn't keep going like this. Not only was it not fair to push her emotions off on others, but she couldn't keep letting this person tear her to pieces all the time. Unintentional though the person's actions and words were, the result was her nearly disappearing so very often. In the end, she resolved to cut ties with this person, and burn that bridge entirely.
Then tonight, goonight, I'm brning Star IV."
Only, I don't even think of you.
No, I don't wanna think of you anymore.
Goodnight, tonight, goodbye."
I convinced her that burning bridges could only end up causing more problems, and she agreed to compromise by just cutting as many ties as possible while still keeping the bridge standing.
Couldn't know that I had no goodbyes...
I'm giving it up, Newo, how important I could have been to you."
Ever since she set this plan in motion, she has changed. Someone integrated with her, in order to help her through it, and no one knows who, not even her. But she seems to be doing alright, overall. It seems to have helped her balance out rather well. She's more friendly with people, and even looking into ways to get out and meet new people.
I'm a bit worried, because meeting new people opens the door for more negative things to happen, but it also opens the door for some good to get in. Mostly, though, I'm worried because we don't know who it was that integrated with her. No one has been reported missing.
Maybe I'm just worrying for nothing. But I worry about her all the time. She is, quite literally, the reason for my existence, after all.
On a side note... The Writer hasn't written anything in ages, but has been planning a little bit. Also, she's not entirely mute. Apparently she talks with Light. Verbally. But can't talk in front of anyone else. Light thinks it's because they're both storytellers, but no one really knows for sure. They make a good pair, though. And of course firefly is fighting that match-up with everything she has. Heh, poor kid freaks out any time anyone gets near Light. It's kind of adorable.
- James Fry
- Tempo:Name - Goo Goo Dolls
I miss my friend. I miss you as my friend. I miss hanging out with you. I miss getting to spend time with you. I miss laughing and joking around and watching movies and doing crafty things and so much more. When was the last time just you and I hung out and had fun? It's been a long while. I wanted to text you and see if you wanted to hang out this weekend, but given the past month I am terrified if I message you it will just lead to you having another outburst and hating me, and I don't want that. I want my friend, I don't want to be hated. Is that too much to ask?-N
- Stage: sad